we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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