Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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