Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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