my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
