i was born a porn star she said
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
