All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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