she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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