I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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