maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Randomize
