I accidentally had phone sex last night
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
