That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
