I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
