Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Randomize
