DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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