After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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