I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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