He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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