Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
