I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
