I want to make a zoo with you.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
