either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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