you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
