1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
