I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize