Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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