im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
well you can't waste a boner
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
