I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
