before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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