he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
