He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
