1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
