Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
