My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
