Even the bartender felt bad for me
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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