dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
