its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
