Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
