It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I would ride that face into the sunset
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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