I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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