About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Im part way to drunk.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize