On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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