I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
