By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
