And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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