Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
