I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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