I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
