Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
