Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Please don't give away my fajitas
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
