So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
