Jerry, you need to find god
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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