im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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