We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
