Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
