my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Mom said you looked used
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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