I am puke
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
