If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
