Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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