Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
