she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
