I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
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